Yogurt.

Yogurt.

It’s milk. But gone off.

That’s not necessarily a bad thing. So is cheese and that’s very nice and useful. It melts nicely for one thing. Many things don’t. Those things that do melt often have a very high melting point. And so require furnaces and big factories to enable the melting. Cheese is easy to melt. You can do it at home. Sometimes you don’t even need heat. Just general daylight is enough to make it oozy. The only cheese that is impossible to melt is low fat cheese.

And therein lies the problem with many foods that are labelled as ‘low fat’. They may technically be low in fat, but they are high in sugar instead. Or chemicals. Or cost.

Seriously, if you want to have low fat food, just eat a bit less food. And don’t cover it in batter and deep fry it before you eat it. Unless you are drunk. In which case you definitely should. Because it helps.

Try moving some more. Go for a nice walk. Put some music on and do a dance. Get a big cushion and pretend it is someone like George Osborne and punch it hard. And repeatedly. Or jump up and down on it. Or make believe it’s someone you fancy and squeeze it hard. And repeatedly. Stop hating yourself. Have some fun!

And whatever you do, please don’t listen to the adverts. Yogurt is nice. It is pleasant and creamy and inoffensive. You can sling fruit in it or make tzatziki. Which is fun to eat and fun to say. But not to spell.

It’s just yogurt.

And while we’re on the subject, why is yogurt advertising aimed only at women? The only person I have ever known who was obsessed with the eating of yogurt on a daily basis was a man. Yes he was Greek, but it’s not as if he was paid by his government to do it. (He might have been, maybe that’s what they spent all the money on. I’m not an economist).

It’s as if advertisers assume that women have nothing better to do than to eat yogurt four times a day. This is of course provided that they have time to fit this in between reading about yogurt in magazines and watching minor celebrities constantly talking about yogurt on the television.

Ditto cereal. According to the adverts – which as we all know are fair and impartial – if you eat a certain low fat cereal twice a day instead of eating regular meals you will lose weight. This is not because said cereal has magical properties, it is because you are having a small bowl of cereal instead of your dinner. It’s not rocket science. (I’m not a scientist).

Note that this cereal advertising is aimed solely at women. This is because only women are fat. There are no fat men. Anywhere.

And now it’s January. Which means that 90% of adverts are for low calorie cereal. Or yogurt. Or for weight loss plans that involve you paying a small amount of money every month for miraculous results. Listen, if it worked, it would cost ten times as much. Because you would not have to come back.

Did you know that a study in 2010 showed that a million pots of unopened yogurt are thrown away every day in the UK. Next time you remove a yogurt from the fridge that’s gone past its sell by date remember this. It is gone off milk. It has already gone off. Relax.

I’m rarely this tetchy. I apologise. But stop it. And have something to eat. Maybe a yogurt.