Valentine’s Day Dating Advice


  • This Valentine’s Day, why not say it with flowers? (You need three flowers to say ‘it’).  
  • Ladies! There’s foxy. And there’s tearing the heads off chickens with your teeth. Try not to confuse them on a date.
  • Candles are very romantic. And if they go wrong you get firemen! Win win.
  • Don’t forget to wax everything before that big date. Especially the floors. If he falls over and breaks his leg you get to keep him for ages.   
  • If your eyes literally meet over dinner you need to get a bigger table.
  • If your eyes literally meat over dinner you are cannibals and should try to dine at home where possible.
  • Oysters are sexy. You prise them open violently with a knife. And eat them alive. Sometimes there is sand in them. I don’t know who said they were sexy. I’m just going along with it. I don’t even like them alright.    
  • Surprise him and the waiter by bringing your own oyster knife to dinner. And maybe all your other kitchen knives. Get them out nice and early on in the evening. He certainly won’t leave while you have so much to look at and talk about.   
  • Try asparagus – it’s very symbolic. It’s a green knobbly vegetable stick that makes your wee smell. And so it is a symbol of romance. Or it might be a symbol of gonorrhoea. I’m sorry, I get them mixed up. 
  • Take-away pizza can be a romantic meal. If you can lure the delivery boy in and lock the door you can have a romantic meal for two. When he stops crying. 
  • There’s a reason that the Flake is considered the sexiest chocolate bar. It’s much harder to eat a Kinder Egg seductively, and men will always become distracted by the plastic toy.
  • (And remember that a Twirl is just a Flake for cowards. Or disciplinarians. If you like that sort of thing).
  • It’s probably quite sexy to suck the meat off a chicken bone in front of your date. This doesn’t work with a turkey leg. Or a leg of lamb.


  • It’s a short step from aromatherapy relaxing pillow spray to chloroform.

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