Bag For Life.


Bags. You can’t avoid them. They are everywhere. And are involved in all aspects of your of life. From birth to death.

People put babies in a bag to go to sleep. Ahhh. Babies also come with ‘Changing Bags’. These are not as exciting as they sound. You always get the same baby back. Every time.

These babies grow up into children and they get a School Bag. This is just a device to weigh children down with a lot of heavy books and stop them from running away. It works very well.

Schoolchildren have other bags too, like Gym Bags. These are bags that they keep their gym kit in. On one day ever only, they are filled with clean, fresh, lemon scented sportswear. For the rest of eternity they are either lost or filled with an unrecognisable ball of grubby, sweaty fabric. This will continue throughout adulthood until the gym goer gives up and becomes morbidly obese and unable to work a bag zipper with their giant fingers, or manages to cancel their monthly gym membership, whichever is the soonest.

You can keep hands in Hand Bags, but it is frowned upon. Also shoulders.

When you go camping and it is not possible to bring your own bed with you, you can use a Sleeping Bag.

But beware – if you wake up in a bag and there isn’t a label on your big toe you still have to get up. If you don’t wake up and you are in a bag it is a probably a Body Bag.

(Laundry Bags are simply Body Bags without the bodies, just the clothes and the smell).  

When you are old and not in a Body Bag you may have a Bag On Wheels or a Colostomy Bag.

You will often see small dogs in bags. Never cats though. So when the disembodied robot lady voice at the self-service checkout in the supermarket says ‘unexpected item in the bagging area’, it’s a cat. So don’t let it out of the bag. And please don’t confuse these bags with Doggy Bags. Doggy Bags are full of leftover food. Hopefully not leftover dog. Unless you have been to a really cheap kebab shop.

There are also bags that are really just handbags that are called ‘Statement Bags’. The statement that you are making is, ‘I have a lot of spare cash’. Some of these handbags are indeed very lovely, but they can cost many hundreds of pounds.

When you’ve just watched a telethon that tells you that a cataract operation to restore sight to a blind child can cost less than £20, I think it seems rather excessive to spend £1,000 on a statement bag. 

I prefer to spend some money on these eye bags:

‘I’m not blind anymore’. What a nice statement.


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