It’s daytime. Put the television on. Watch a dolly lady cooking Italian food. Watch another dolly lady showing people around a lovely villa in Tuscany. Get inspired.
Prise self off sofa. Resolve to cook beautiful romantic Italian dinner.
Scour recipe books. Decide on wonderful rustic Tuscan peasant style dish. (Peasant style means cheap. Rustic means you can plonk it on the table in the cooking pot with some bread so less washing up. Perfect).
Fagioli all’Uccelletto con Salsiccia. Mmmm.
Search freezer for ingredients. You might need to improvise a bit. You don’t have any home-made rustic Tuscan-style sausages. Because you don’t live in Tuscany. Replace rustic Tuscan-style sausages with a packet of traditional English-style chipolatas. No one will notice, they’ll be hidden under some other stuff.
Search cupboards for further ingredients. You have passata. You have cannellini beans. You are domestic goddess. Assemble rustic Tuscan-style casserole. It tastes of tomatoes. This isn’t surprising, as it is made of 90% tomatoes. Continue to search cupboards for secret ingredients. You need sun-dried tomato puree. Have no sun-dried tomato puree.
Light bulb moment – use Heinz tomato ketchup.
Place fully assembled Italian masterpiece in oven for two hours.
Relax. You have two hours to kill.
Change into most flattering black dress. Five minutes.
Open a bottle of Italian wine. Five minutes.
Light candles. Five minutes.
Sweep hair into an effortless natural looking peasant style updo that looks like you have spent no time at all doing it. One and a half hours.
Mmmm. Something smells good. It’s not you. You smell of sausages.
Remove casserole dish from oven and take to table, rustic style. Present with a flourish! Worry for a moment whether ‘flourish’ is French or Italian. Decide that it doesn’t matter.
Try and make sexy ‘smouldering’ face while serving food. Unfortunately casserole dish is smouldering so just end up making ‘burning hands painful face’. Luckily it’s quite similar, (check out Katie Price for examples).
Despite the pain serve up beautiful home cooked romantic Italian dinner.
Realise that you have actually spent three hours cooking Heinz Beanz with Sausages.