24 Good Reasons to Hire Me.

Here are some reasons why someone should give me a new job that wouldn’t fit on my CV :

1. I make fantastic coffee.

2. I make dreadful tea. But I’m open and upfront about it. People always assume that this is a ruse to get out of tea making. So they allow me to make tea. And then they never ask me again.

3. I am spectacular at persuading other people to make tea. So the above is not a problem if you like tea.

4. I have my own pens and pencils. I will not embarrass any of us by transporting them to the workplace in a furry pencil case.

5. I also own a stapler and a hole punch. I did not steal them from an office. I hope never to be depressed enough to write my name on them in Tippex in case someone else wants to borrow them.

6. I do not own a photocopier. I am frightened of photocopiers. I will usually spend the first six months of any job finding ways to avoid doing any photocopying.

7. I am spectacular at persuading other people to do photocopying.

8. I have a digital camera which can be used for taking photographs of documents if it is not possible to photocopy them.

9. I will never abuse the photocopier at the Christmas party. If it abuses me I will not sue you.

10. If I have an accident or trip or fall anywhere at work, I will not sue you. Or I will at least offer to go halves with you. As long as you didn’t push me.

11. I have a lovely telephone voice. I also have a normal voice, a sympathetic voice and a special quiet voice for gossiping in the kitchen.

12. I will usually tidy up when I am gossiping in the kitchen and I will never steal your teaspoons. I have too many teaspoons already. Interestingly, I have no coffee spoons.

13. I might bring in my own coffee mug, but I have too much pride to ever send a company-wide passive aggressive email about it if somebody accidentally borrows it.

14. I will never leave a yoghurt in the fridge with a stupid note on it.

15. I can do an eight hour strategy meeting without going cross eyed.

16. I will not tell you what I did at the weekend or bore you to death with photographs of it.

17. I don’t watch Big Brother, The Apprentice or X Factor, but I can hold a thirty minute conversation about any of them using information gleaned from that morning’s Metro newspaper if that’s what you like to talk about in your office.

18. Alternatively, I can keep a straight face when you talk about ‘plucking the low hanging fruit’.

19. I will always share my biscuits.

20. I will never have a small salad for lunch and then eat all of your biscuits.

21. Until they invent a silent apple and low volume crisps it is unlikely that I will eat either of these things in your office.

22. I have legible handwriting and can forge many different signatures on important contracts or birthday cards for unpopular members of staff.

23. I understand the concept of ‘layering’ and will not come to work in a small vest and then complain that ‘it is freezing in here’ all day long, emailing HR if anybody opens a window. Nor will I come to work in thermal tights and a balaclava and then complain that ‘it is too hot in here’ all day long, emailing HR and also Facilities if anybody closes a window.

24. I will always turn it on and off again at least three times before I call the IT department.