Spa.

Get an email inviting you to take a break at a lovely relaxing spa place. Remember that you’ve been burning your own and many other people’s candles at both ends and also in the middle for the last few months and are really quite tired and weary. Think that a lovely relaxing spa break would be very nice. 

Look at price list of lovely relaxing spa place. Find it strangely tensing.

Recall your last two visits to lovely relaxing spa places:  

The first one was a work ‘reward’ and you spent an afternoon sitting around in a variety of ill-fitting dressing gowns with all of the women from the office, and one of the men who you all loved at the time because he wasn’t afraid to get in touch with his feminine side while the rest of the boys played golf.

Later you realised that he was actually taking photographs of the women in dressing gowns to show to the rest of the boys after the golf.  

It was not relaxing.

The second one was a lovely expensive treat to a famous country spa that unfortunately appeared to be decorated in the shades of peach and coral favoured by mid price hotels on motorway junctions in 1980.

You were given an ill-fitting dressing gown and a pair of size 9 slippers. They had no other sizes of slippers but 9. You sat at a coffee bar staffed by fully dressed South African teenagers with 25 other women all wearing ill-fitting dressing gowns and size 9 slippers.

It was like a mental hospital for clowns.

They offered you the use of a bicycle. You had thoughts of The Great Escape.

It was not relaxing.

Banish terrifying spa memories. Decide to do lovely relaxing home spa experience instead. 

Put on fanciest dressing gown. Gather toiletries. Collect best fluffy towels that you are saving up for a reason that has never really been successfully explained. Light expensive scented candle. Hit ‘play’ on the music machine.

And relax.  

For the first time ever, scented candle sets off the fire alarm. Put nearest trousers on under fanciest dressing gown. They are half of a pinstriped suit. Go out into communal hallway to switch off fire alarm.

Oh that’s nice. The neighbours are having people to visit. Say ‘hello’ to neighbours’ visitors.

Return to lovely relaxing home spa.

And relax.

Light candle again. It smells of warm tropical evenings on sandy beaches.

Music machine plays The Sea by Morcheeba.

Apply face pack.

And relax.   

Fire alarm goes off again.

Apply trousers. Go out into hallway again. Say ‘goodbye’ to neighbours’ visitors on their way out. Explain to a pizza delivery man that he needs a different doorbell. Eventually show all of them how the fire alarm works. This is quite difficult as face pack means that you cannot move your face. Nevertheless, successfully communicate by pointing and waving your arms about vigorously.

Oops. Adjust dressing gown.  

Return to lovely relaxing home spa.

And relax.

Music machine plays Motorhead, Killed By Death. Get up again, switch off shuffle mode.

Pour a nice glass of wine. And relax.

Fall asleep.

After some confusion wake up properly and realise that 5 minute face pack has now been on for over an hour and a half. Waste quite a lot more time worrying about whether to remove it at all in case it has done a Benjamin Button on you.

Try to remove with cotton wool ball. Try to remove with flannel. Eventually remove with fingernails.

Fire alarm goes off again. Notice that best fluffy towel has fallen on candle and is on fire. Put out fire. Allow neighbours and pizza delivery man to switch fire alarm off.

Pour another glass of wine.

Think hard about money saved on lovely relaxing spa break.

Relax.

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