Everyone’s talking about everyone reading Fifty Shades of Grey.
Not my cup of tea I’m afraid. I won’t be told what to do. And more importantly, I can’t stop thinking about what an awful film it’s going to be one day. I did read a smutty book for ladies once. It was free on the Kindle. It was about a woman who falls in love with a robot. I hoped that the robot would be like Bender from Futurama. Turned out to be just a bloke covered in silver paint. Disappointing.
But it did get me thinking. What do women want to read?
Or more importantly, what do publishers and Hollywood film producers with cash to spare think that women want to read? And how can I get them to pay me for it?
Well if we use TV advertising as a basis for our market research, we cannot help but deduce that the ultimate book for ladies must surely be about low-fat yogurt.
So I’ve written it, but gone straight to the screenplay because it’s obviously going to be a film too. And possibly a musical but I can’t do that bit. We’ll probably just use a Take That album or something. They won’t mind, it’s all tax deductible. Anyway, here it is, with some other ideas for books and films for girls that I’ve had.
Captain Corelli’s Mandarin.
George Clooney is a handsome, fifth generation yogurt maker on the beautiful Greek island of Likely. He loves a beautiful goatherd (Martine McCutcheon) but is too shy to approach her.
One day his handsome long-lost son, (Brad Pitt), arrives from America with a head full of crazy modern ideas about yogurt making. Like putting fruit in it. Pretty soon the women of the island are ecstatic about the new way of eating yogurt and Brad has many invitations to dinner, but chooses instead to spend his evenings with the beautiful goatherd, breaking Clooney’s heart.
Father and son are estranged and Clooney moves to the unfashionable South side of the island where his old-fashioned yogurt business struggles to survive. Desperate for a new way to increase sales, he invents a square yogurt pot. Brad sees it and hits on the outrageous notion of putting the fruit in the corners, rather than in the yogurt.
The women of the island go wild, and father and son are reunited at a romantic beach-side yogurt festival where Martine is unfortunately trampled to death by her own herd of goats in all the excitement.
Chicken Soup Cup Cakes.
You’re not allowed to eat fat but you can read about it and look at the pictures. If it is vintage fat like Mamma used to make then so much the better!
Don’t spend any more time denying yourself these comforting treats! Let yourself go! Find true happiness in a bun tin! But don’t even think about getting really fat, because that is disgusting and no-one will ever marry you and buy you a massive house in Shepherd’s Bush.
Make a load of fairy cakes and chuck glitter all over everything. Make sure you call them cupcakes otherwise Americans won’t buy your book. Have your photograph taken in the garden wearing a vintage pinny and a tiara if possible.
*Author’s note: My Mamma thought a fried egg sandwich was the pinnacle of comfort food. Even three different designs of artfully draped Cath Kidson tablecloth with a wide selection of deliberately mismatched floral teacups and a lot of John Lewis bunting isn’t going to help me to make a whimsical coffee-table gastroporn hardback out of that.
Eat Sleep Love Lemons in the City.
Woman in New York tires of spending all of her time talking about herself and her feelings to anyone who will listen. This includes:
Her slighter uglier ‘kooky’ best friend
Her handsome non-threatening male friend (George Clooney)
Her handsome gay friend (Rupert Everett or Colin Firth)
Her comical non-handsome gay friend (Alan Carr)
Her comical newspaper vendor (Danny DeVito)
And so she decides to swan off for a bit of travelling abroad in order to find herself.
This involves mainly talking about herself and her feelings to anyone on the Mediterranean or in Goa who will listen to her. We know that she has a lot of feelings because her hair is wavy.
In-between excruciating monologues she turns down a non-threatening exotic alpha male (Imran Khan) in favour of a handsome Italian or Spanish ex-tennis player with a passion for life and love (Antonio Banderas).
Using lemons as a metaphor for life and love he helps her to rediscover her ability to love someone who isn’t herself through a series of cookery lessons and a bit of swimming. One day she sees a dolphin, which is a metaphor.
The main thing is that everyone manages to look really cool in white linen without creasing, even his slighter uglier ‘kooky’ friend who owns the restaurant (Ron Perlman or Whoopie Goldberg).
The Devil Wears Really Expensive Shoes (and Bunny Slippers When No One is Looking).
She was a beautiful successful business executive. In Television or Magazines or Films. In an office. There’s probably a telephone in it. I haven’t done any research. It doesn’t matter.
She is very tough and hard because of work but meets a man who can change everything as follows:
He was an impoverished baker – could he soften this tough cookie?
He was an impoverished chocolate maker – could he melt her heart and find her soft centre?
He was an impoverished bus driver – would she get a ticket to ride?
He was an impoverished mechanic – could he restart her heart?
There are 255 of these books in the series. They all have very slightly different pastel coloured covers and I expect them to do very well at airports.